hMMM...
yEaP.
iT’s tHaT tiMe aGaiN...
wHeN sUddeNLy tHaT
sTrOnG + uNaVoiDaBLe wAvE
oF
pAiN + sUffOcATioN
oF
miSSinG jiMMy sO gOddAmN mUcH
aNd
wiSHiNg hE cOuLd bE riGht nExT tO mE
riGht nOw
jUsT hiT mE.
LaSt niGhT,
wHeN i gOt hOmE fRoM sENdiNg yOu gUys hOme.
jiMMy LeFt mE a tExt oN mY mObiLe
teLLinG mE
tO cHecK oUt thiS sOng
“aLL i nEEd”
bY tHiS GirL nAmEd
aLySSa BeRnaL
wHeN i rEaChEd hOme.
aNd tOLd Me tHaT
hE dEdiCaTeD tHiS sOng tO mE.
sO i tOOk mY sHowEr aNd hOppEd oNtO bEd
wiTh mY LaPPiE
oN bLoaTeD beLLy.
aNd sEarchEd tHiS sOnG oN yOutUbE.
aNd wHeN i LisTeNeD tO iT
aS i rEaD tHe LyriCs...
i hAd bUcKeTs oF siLeNt tEaRs
jUsT tRicKLinG dOwN mY cHeeKs
LiKe wAteRwOrkS.
I cOuLdn’T sToP iT.
tHe LYriCs tO tHiS sOnG rEaLLy hiT hOme
wiTh mE.
LYRICS:
G, D, Em, C
I thought of you today when I looked up at the sunset in the sky.
Cause when I was still at home that use to be something we loved to see together.
I felt you near today when I watched our favorite movie all by myself.
And then I smiled today when I saw my favorite picture of us.
G, D, Em, C
I know Im so far away from you
But I know I dont have to search high and low to see you again.
G, D, Em, D, C
No matter where I go, no matter where Ill be youll be here always.
Cause its our memories that tag along with me and thats all I need -
Thats all I need..
Its so easy missing you cause youre going through my head a million times a day.
But Im okay when you say youre doing the exact same thing.
I know Im so far away from you
But I know I dont have to search high and low to see you again.
No matter where I go, no matter where Ill be youll be here always.
Cause its our memories that tag along with me and thats all I need -
Thats all I need..
D, Dsus4
Ooooh
Ooooh..
No matter where I go, no matter where Ill be youll be here always.
Cause its our memories that tag along with me and thats all I need -
Thats all I need
X2
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
bEcOs tHaT’s eXaCtLy hOw iT iS,
eVeRyThiNg LiL tHinG rEmiNds mE
...oF hiM.
...oF uS.
...oF tHe pAsT wE sHaRed tOgEtHer iN peRth.
aNd hE’s aLwAys oN miNd.
I’LL bE tHinKinG aBouT hiM.
wOnDeriNg iF hE hAs eAtEn hiS bReKKie, LuNcH oR diNNeR.
aLL tHe LittLe tHinGs.
iF i sEE “sUpErnAtuRaL” oN tV,
i tHiNK oF tHe tiMeS wE uSeD tO wAtcH
tHe sEriEs tOgEthEr iN mY rOOm
wHeN wE wErE sTiLL jUsT tWo siLLy hOusEmaTeS
fALLinG iN LoVe.
tHoUgH iT mAkEs mE sMiLe,
I cAN’t LoOk tHrU mY oLd piCs
oF uS iN pErtH
wiThOuT sHeddiNg a tEaR
cOs
i wiLL rEaLLy sTaRt tO miSS hiM eVeN mOrE,
miSS tHe tiMes wE hAd aNd miSS oUr fRiEnDs.
tHoSe wErE reaLLy pReCioUs mOmEnTs
tHaT jUsT cAn’T bE rEwiNdeD tO LiVe tHrU iT aLL oVeR agAiN.
bUt iT gEts bEttEr wHeN JiMMy caLLs aNd LeT mE kNoW
hE’s tHinKinG tHe sAmE.
aNd teLLinG mE hOw mUcH hE miSSEd mE
oR tHe tHiNGs wE uSeD tO dO tOgEthEr.
LiKe cOOkiNg tOgEthEr, dRinKinG bEEr tOgEthEr
oR jUsT hAng oUt aT hOmE aNd wATcH sOmE TV tOgEthEr.
aLL tHoSe LiTTLe tHinGs.
sO wHeN hE caLLeD mE LaST niGhT,
i wAs aLL sNiffLiNg
wiTh mY cHeeKs
wEt wiTh tEaRs.
I tOLd hiM hOw mUcH i LoVe tHe sOnG.
aNd
hOw mUcH i miSSeD hiM.
hAhA...
i gUeSSeD hE tOOk piTy oN mE
sO
iNsTead oF oUr uSuaL 30 miNs miDniGhT cHaT,
wE eNdEd uP taLkiNg
fOr
1 hR aNd 30 miNs.
jUsT taLkiNg aBouT mY dAy.
hiS dAy.
aNd jUsT hOw mUcH wE miSSeD eAch oThEr.
wHicH wAs niCe.
iT mAdE mE feeL a LiL bEttEr.
bUt aLsO mAdE mE LoVed hiM eVeN mOrE
fOr bEing sO sWeeT.
hAhA...
tO tHiNk
i jUsT tOLd bRyaNt LaST niTe
tHaT
LDR iS nOt sO bAd
aNd
tHaT i’Ve gOttEn uSeD tO iT.
sHeeSH kEbAb.
I gUeSS nOt,
aFteR aLL.
Labels: bAbY, Bi, eMoTiOnAL sOnG, fRuStrAtiOns, HaPPiNeSS, hEaRtaChEs, LDRs, LoVe, PaiN, yOuTuBe
Written on:
Sunday, July 18, 2010
UgHHHHH... zE pAiN, zE pAiN...!!
0 Messages
aRgHHHHH...
fOr tHe pAsT tHrEE dAyS,
i'Ve bEEn eXpEriEnCiNg a ReaLLy bAd CaSe of miGraiNe...
uGhhhhhh...
siNcE sUndAy niGhT tiLL yEsTeRdAy...
i wAntEd tO uPdAtE mY bLOg...
bUt tHe pAiN wAs jUsT kiLLinG mE.
aNd i cOuLdn't eVeN tHinK.
iT wAs aS iF sOmEoNe driLLeD a hOLe iNtO mY sKuLL
aNd jUmPeD iNtO mY hEaD wiTh a piLe dRivEr
aNd sTaRtEd driVing piLes
iNtO eVeRy nOOk aNd cRaNNy
oF mY mUsHy bRaiN.
tHaNkfuLLy, iT's aLL bEttEr tOdAy!!
siNcE i'M jUsT tOO tiReD tO tHinK aNd wRiTe,
i jUsT gOnnA sHaRe tHiS rEaLLy cooL viDeO
oF tHe cUtEsT aNd tHe mOsT tALeNtEd dOg eVeR...
yOu mAy hAvE sEEn iT eDi...
bUt mY siS jUsT sHoWeD iT tO mE...
aNd i tHouGhT iT wAs jUsT tHe sWeeTeSt tHinG eVeR...
iT rEaLLy sHoWs jUsT hOw cLosE aNd sTrOng tHe bOnd
bEtWeeN TiNa aNd cHaNdi rEaLLy iS...
yOu cAn jUsT teLL hOw mUcH LovE tHeY hAvE fOr eACh other...
i aLmOsT cRiEd wAtChiNg tHis ViD...
eSpEciaLLy wHeN tHey pLaYeD
MicHaeL jaCksOn's sOnG tOwArdS tHe eNd... hAhA...
i miSS hAviNg tHaT sOrT oF rELaTiOnsHiP wiTh a dOg. oR cAt.
bOO...
oH weLL...
*sHrUgs*
eNjOy!!
Labels: dOg, miGrAiNe, PaiN, yOuTuBe
Written on:
Friday, May 14, 2010
LeARniNg tO bE hAppY oN mY oWn aGaiN...
0 Messages
I hAve gOOd nEwS fOr yOu aLL... aNd i ThiNk yOU aLL wiLL bE haPPy tO kNoW thAT i FiNaLLy eNdEd tHinGs wiTh hiM. aNd i tRuLy bELieVe tHiS iS fOr tHe bEsT.
i sUppOsEd aFtEr a mOnTh oF nOt bEinG tOgEthEr, oNe oR bOtH oF uS hAs cHaNgEd iNtO sOmEoNe wE diD nOt iNtEnDeD tO bE... aNd wHeN bOtH oF uS wANt diFFeRenT tHinGs iN LiFe... HaVe diFFeReNt dReaMs aNd gOaLs iN LiFe... yOu kNoW tHaT tHiS rELaTiOnsHiP iS nOt gOinG tO bE hEaDinG aNyWhErE fUrThEr tHaN iT aLreADy hAs.
wHeN oNe oF uS hAs LoSt iNtErESt in tHe oThEr aNd faLLeN ouT oF LoVe witH tHe oTheR, yOu kNoW tHaT tHe rELaTiOnsHiP iS dOOmeD tO fAiL.
wHeN yOu rEaLiZeD oNLy oNe iS FiGhtiNg hArD tO MaKe tHe rELaTiOnsHiP wOrK wHiLe tHe oTheR iS sTRuGGLinG hArD tO bE fRee oF tHe oThER... yOu knOw... tHaT tHe rELaTiOnshiP hAs FaiLed.
sO wHaT dO yOu dO nExT... wHeN aLL hAs FaiLeD? aNd yOu aRe LefT aLoNe tO piCk uP aLL tHe bRoKeN piEcEs oF tHe rELaTiOnsHiP...
tHe oBviOuS aNsWeR wOuLd Be tO mOvE oN, kEEp mOviNg fOrWaRd aNd dO nOt bE tEmPtEd tO LooK bAck oN tHe pAsT.
sOmEhOw iT iS eAsiEr sAiD tHAn dOnE. gOinG tHroUgh tHiS aGaiN fOr tHe sEcoNd TiMe... dOeSn'T mAkE iT aNy eAsiEr.
bUt tHaNk gOd... fOr mY fRiENds... LiNdA, sHeeNa, ReGiNe, TzE vEn, aNdReA aNd aLex... fOr BeiNg tHeRe fOr mE wHeN i nEEdEd tHeM mOsT. ThEy aRe mY sTreNgTh, mY sUppOrT aNd tHeY aRe tHe ReAsOn wHy i cAn sMiLe aNd LaUgH wiThoUt a siNgLe cArE iN tHe wOrLd.
i aM tRyiNg tO gEt uSeD tO tHe iDeA oF bEiNg siNgLe aGaiN. bUt iT's nOt eAsY, eSpEciaLLy wHeN evEryWhErE yOu gO... yOu sEE hAppY cOuPLes BeiNg hAppY dOinG cOupLe-Ly tHinGs... aNd tHeN yOu gEt rEmiNdEd oF tHe pERkS oF bEiNg iN a ReLaTiOnShiP...
aNd wHaT's eVeN wOrSe is tHaT i sTiLL hAvE tO dEaL wiTh tHe fAcT tHaT i RuiNeD mY cHaNce wiTh JiMMy... iMaGiNe hEaRiNg tHe gUy wHo yOu rEaLLy wANtEd tO bE wiTh cOmiNg hOmE wiTh hiS nEw giRLfRiEnD, aLmOsT eVeRyDaY... sOmEtiMeS, jUsT eVeN LisTeNiNg tO hiM cLeaRiNg hiS tHrOaT fRoM mY rOOm... rEaLLy maKeS mE miSS hiM sO mUcH...
sO nOt oNLy dO i hAVe tO dEaL wiTh LoSinG oNe gUY... bUt iMaGiNe yOuRsELf dEaLinG wiTh tHe fACt tHaT yOu LosT bOth gUys... tHaNkS tO mY sTuPiDiTy aNd mY cOnFuSeD sTaTe oF miNd...
aNd wHeN yOu tRy tO fOrGeT yOuR sAdnEss bY tEmPoRaRiLy dRoWniNg yOuR sOrrOws wiTH MuSiC... yOu gEt rEmiNdeD oF tHe mEmOriEs yOu sHaReD wiTh hiM bY tHe sOnGs oR tHe LyRiCs oF tHe sOnGs wHiCh rEfLeCt oN hOw yOu tRuLy FeeL... aNd yOu gO, "yEa, tHaT's eXaCtLy hOw i fEEL..." oR "yeA, tHaT's eXaCtLy wHaT i aM gOiNg tHrOuGh riGhT nOw"...
iT's hArD... bUt i kNow i cAn dO iT!! i hAvE dOnE iT oNcE... aNd i knOw i caN dO iT aGaiN!!!
bEttEr tO bE siNgLe bUt haPPy... rAthEr tHAn tO bE aTTaChEd bUt miSeRaBLe...
WeLL, fiNGers cRoSseD. aNd hErE iS, tO... oNe sTeP tO bEiNg haPPy aGaiN!!!
Labels: HeaRt bReaKs, hEaRtaChEs, hUrT, PaiN
Written on:
Monday, August 04, 2008
aLL tHe TiMeS i CriEd...
0 Messages
RiGhT nOw... i dOn'T eVeN kNoW wHeRe i sTaNd aNymOrE... i dOn'T tHinK i wAs eVeR cUt oUt tO hAvE a LoVe LiFe iN tHe firSt pLaCe... iT's LiKe mY LOvE LiFe iS aLwAys sUcH a tRaGiC... i tHinK i WaS mEaNt tO LiVe mY LiFe aS aN oLd sPinStEr...
tHeRe's aLwAyS a "bUt" iN mY LoVe LifE...
TaKe mE aNd JiM*, fOr eXaMpLe... HoW wE uSeD tO bE suCh a pAiR oF LoVeBirDs tOgEtHeR... wE LOVeD eAcH oThEr sO mUcH... BUT dEEp iNsiDe, i wAs sTiLL uNhApPy... bECaUsE JiM* cOuLdn'T bE tHe gUY i wANtEd hiM tO bE... i nEEdEd hiM tO bE mOrE rEaLisTiC, rEsPOnsiBLe aNd mAtuReD... eVeN tHouGh i LOoKeD pAsT hiS fLaWs, wE eNdEd tHinGs beTwEEn uS iN tHe MosT uNpLeaSaNt wAy... dUe tO tHe fAcT thAt hE cOuLdn'T cOmE bAcK tO pErTh aNymOrE aNd i fOuNd sOmEoNe eLse...
wHicH LeADs tO BoB*... or oThErwiSe kNowN aS KJ... wHoM i rEaLLy fELL hEaD oVeR hEELs for... BUT... hE wAs a LyiNg, cHeaTiNg bAsTaRd... UsiNg mE oNLy fOr hiS sAtiSfACtioN... PLuS, hE fAiLed tO mEntiOn tHaT hE wAs acTuaLLy aLreAdy aTTaChEd tO sOmeoNe eLsE aT tHaT pOinT oF tiMe... aNd yEt, hE mAnAgeD tO sTriNg mE aLonG fOr tHe nExT SiX mOnThs... bReaKinG mY hEaRt oVeR aNd oVeR aGaiN...
aNd FiNaLLy, wHeN i fiNaLLy mOvEd oN fRoM hiM... aNd fOuNd sOmeOne wHo cOuLd mAke mE LaUgH aGaiN aNd bE rEaLLy hAppY wiTh... JiMMy... wHoM i thOuGht cOuLd Be tHe reAL deAl... BUT Kj cOmeS bAcK aNd sWooPs iN... aNd sTaRts cOnfUsiNg mE oNcE mOrE... LeAdiNg mE tO hUrT JiMMy wHo aLsO eNdEd uP bReaKinG mY heARt wHeN hE fOuNd sOmeOnE eLsE wHo cOuLd mAkE hiM hAppY sO qUiCkLy...
aNd nOw... tHaT i aM wiTh KJ, i aM sUppOsEd tO bE giDDy wiTh hAppiNeSS, riGHt?... BUT i tHinKinG tO mYseLf tHaT MaYbE... jUsT mAyBe... thAt ThiS iS jUsT a hUgE miStaKe... i jUsT fEEL Kj aNd i wErE jUsT nEvEr mEaNt tO bE... i aM jUsT nOt haPPy iN tHiS rELaTiOnsHip aNymoRe... aLL i dO eVerYdaY iS wOrrY, fEeL sAd aNd uPsEt... aNd cRy aLoNe iN mY rOOm... iS tHiS wHaT a ReLaTiOnSHiP sUppOsEd tO fEeL LikE? i JusT dOn'T sEE hOw i cAn gO oN aNymOrE... i aM sO exHaUsTed aNd nUmB... pHysiCaLLy, eMoTiOnALLy aNd mEnTaLLy.
eVeRytiMe wHeN i tHouGht tHinGs wErE sTaRtiNg tO LOok uP fOr tHe bOtH oF uS... tHinGs tHeN jUsT sTaRts sPiRaLLinG dOwNwArDs fRoM tHeRE... CraShiNg dOwN, dEsTroYiNg wHaT hOpEs i HaVe LeFt fOr tHiS rELaTiOnShiP... aNd tHiS iS haPPeNiNg eVeRyDaY.
i rEaLLy CaN't dO tHiS aNyMorE.
LikE LaST yEsTeRdAy... wHeN wE wERe cHaTTinG oN mSn tHrOugH wEBcaM... i gOt hiM tO cOnfeSSed tHaT yEs, hE hAs bEEn cOnTaCting HiS eX, BeTh*... aNd hE hAs bEEn hiDinG iT fRoM mE aLL tHiS tiMe... hOwevEr, hE wAs mOrE tHaN wiLLinG tO seNd mE hiS MsN cHaT LoGs... aNd fRoM rEaDinG tHe chaT LoGs... i wAs REaLiZed wHy hE cOuLdn'T bE bOthErEd tO cALL mE wHeN hE kNeW hOw uPsEt i wAs... bEcAuSe hE wAs tOO bUsY tRyiNg tO gEt bAcK wiTh BeTh*... aNd wHeN i fiNaLLy caLLeD hiM tO teLL hiM hOw uPsEt i WaS aBouT tHis... He JusT LaUgHs aNd aSSuReS mE tHaT hE hAs nO iNteNtiOn tO gEt bAck witH hEr... iT's jUsT thAT hiS hEaRt wAs iTcHy... i wAnT tO bELiEvE hiM tHat iT wAs aS siMpLe As tHaT... bUt i cAn'T...
iF iT rEaLLy wAs jUsT aS siMpLe As hE sAyS iT iS... tHeN... wHy sHouLd hE hiDe iT fRoM mE?
hE kNowS tHaT hE cAN aLwAys tELL mE tHinGs... bUt hE cHoSe tO hiDe iT fRoM mE.
hOw dO i tRusT hiM? hE aLwAys cOmPLaiNinG tHaT i cAn'T tRusT hiM... bUt iF yOu knOw i CaN'T tRuSt yOu... tHeN sHouLdn'T yOu bE dOinG sOmeThiNg tO eARn bAcK tHaT tRuSt?
aNd tHeN LaSt nigHt, i rEaLLy nEEdEd tO tALk tO hiM aNd cOnfiDe iN hiM aBouT mY pRoBLeM i Had wiTh a fRiEnd oF miNe... bUt He WaS iN suCh a fOuL mOOd dUe To rEaSoNs tHaT i CaN'T diScuSS wiTh hiM aLL... bUt yEa, i uNdErsTood tHaT hE diDn't wAnt tO cHaT aNd tHaT hE wAntEd tO bE LeFt oN hiS oWn... sO i tOLd hiM thAt iF pOssiBLe, wHeN hE iS rEaDy, cOuLd wE aT LeAsT cHaT fOr aT LeAsT aN hOuR bEfoRe hE gOeS tO sLeeP... hE sAid yEa, oKay... bUt tHeN hE jUSt wEnt oFF tO bEd... wiThOuT EvEn tELLing mE... kNowiNg vErY wELL tHaT i WaS wAiTiNg fOr HiM tHe wHoLe tiMe.
aNd wHeN i LeFt hiM aN oFFLiNe mEssAGe tELLiNg hiM tHaT aLthOuGh i uNdErsTaNd tHaT hE iS iN a bAd moOd aNd tHaT iF hE hAd rEaLLy wAntEd tO bE aLoNe tHe wHoLe niGht, hE cOULd hAve jUsT toLd mE aNd i wouLd hAvE tOtaLLy uNdeRstAnd... bUt i jUst diDn'T aPPreCiaTe tHe fAct tHaT hE jUsT wEnT oFFLinE LiKe tHaT... wiThOuT eVeN tELLinG mE... wHeN hE kNeW i WaS wAitiNg fOr hiM...
aNd aLL hE cOuLd sAY tO me tHiS mOrniNg oN MsN wAs bAbY... sOrrY...
aNd wEnT oFFLiNe.
hE dOeSn'T teLL mE hE's oFF tO foLLoW hiS dAd tO rUn eRRaNds aNymOrE...
wHaT dO i Do? hE hAs cHangEd tO sOmeoNe tHaT i tOtaLLy dO nOt kNow AnyMorE... dO i sTaY aNd coNtiNuE fiGhtiNg LiKe wHaT i hAvE bEEN dOinG a YeAR aGo? oR sHoULd i rEaLLy LeT gO oF eVerYtHiNg aNd sTaRt aFreSh?
i jUsT dOn'T sEE hOw i cAN bE haPPy aNymORe...
FriEnds wHo WeRe tHeRe fOr mE duRiNg mY hArD tiMes LasT yEaR... aLL tELL mE tO mOVe oN... LeT gO... aNd tHaT i aM beTTer oFF wiThouT hiM...
FriENds wHo oNLy knOw uS tHiS yEaR... tELLs Me tO sTaY aNd wOrK tHiNgs oUt... Or aT LeAst... wAit UntiL hE cOmEs bACk aNd sOrT tHinGs oUt wiTH hiM...
bUt riGht nOw, i DoN'T sEE hOw i cAn wOrK tHinGs oUt... wHeN hE hAs cHaNgeD sO mUcH tO sOmEOnE i Do nOt kNoW aT aLL cOmPLeTeLy...
BUT i jUsT dON't kNoW wHerE tO eVeN beGiN... oR tO eNd.
Labels: HeaRt bReaKs, hUrT, PaiN
Written on:
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
wHaT hAvE i dOnE???
0 Messages
eVeRsiNcE Kj fOunD oUt aBouT jiMMy aNd hiS giRLfriEnD... Kj's aTTiTuDe tOwArDs mE jUsT 180 dEgrEE cHanGed cOmpLeTeLy... hE dOesN't cArE aBouT mE aS MuCh aNymOrE... hE dOesN'T bOthEr tO cALL oR TexT mEssAgE mE LiKe hE uSeD tO aNymOrE... aNd wHen wE tALk oN mSn... We'Re nOt rEaLLy tALkiNg... LaSt tiMe, hE wOuLd bE inTeReSteD tO kNoW hOw mY dAy hAs BeeN aNd hE rEaLLy eNgAge hiMseLf tO tHe cOnVeRsATiOn... bUt nOw, iT jUsT feeLs LiKe i aM tHe oNe dOinG mOsT oF tHe tALkinG... it jUsT fEELs LikE hE dOesN'T cARe aNyMoRe...
aNd wHeNeVeR i bRinG tHiS uP tO hiM... aLL hE cAN sAY is i aM bEinG tOO pArAnOiD, tOO seNsiTiVe aNd tOO pOssEsSiVe... aNd tHaT rEaLLy hUrTs a LoT!!! iNsTeaD oF cOnSoLinG mE oR cOmfOrTinG mE, hE jUsT diSmiSSeS mE bY tELLinG mE tO sToP iT aNd aLL hE dOeS iS "I LOVE YOU FOOL"... bUt tHaT's tHe tHinG, tHoSe aRe jUsT wOrDs tO mE... iF yOu reaLLy LOvE mE... TheN sHoW iT... aCtiOnS sPeaKs LoUdEr tHaN wOrDs...
i jUsT hAtEs iT wHeN hE sAYs tHaT i aM bEiNg tOO pArAnOiD, sEnSITiVe aNd PoSSeSSiVe!!! bEcaUsE i KnoW i aM nOt... i WoULdn'T bE fEELiNg tHe wAy i dO iF hE rEaLLy sHOwED tHe cARe, LoVe aNd aFFeCtiOn LiKe He uSeD tO... aNd hOw cAn hE sAy i M bEinG tOO pOssEssiVe??? i tHinK i Am tRyiNg vErY hARd hErE tO bE cOOL aNd cALM wiTh giVinG hiM aS mUcH sPACe As hE nEEds... i Don'T eVeN cALL hiM mOrE tHaN fiVe tiMeS a dAy... AnD iF i dO cALL hiM, it'S oNLy tO tELL hiM wHerE i AM gOinG oR tO iNfOrm hiM oF mY wHeReaBouTs... iT's nOt eVeN tO cHecK uP oN hiM!!!
i jUsT gEt rEaLLy uPsEt tHaT hE dOeSn't uNdErStAnd hOw i fEEL... bEcAuSe iF aNyOnE hAs tO uNdErsTANd hOw i feeL, iT wOULd hAVe tO bE hiM... bEcAUsE iN thE pAsT, hE wAs tHe oNe wHO wAs aLwAys MAKinG sUcH a biG deAL wHeN i Don'T caLL hiM oR mEssAgE him to LeT hiM kNoW wHeRe i Am gOinG. hE wAs tHe oNe wHo wOuLd gEt rEaLLy aNgRy wHeN i diD nOT wAnT tO wEBCaM wiTh hiM... WHEN WE ARE BOTH STILL IN PERTH!!!! hE wAs tHe oNe wHo wOuLd tEXt mESSaGe mE aNd sAy "Oi, yOu dOn'T miSS mE aR? nEvEr mEsSaGe mE oR caLL mE??"... hE wAs tHe oNe wHo gEt aLL fReaKed OuT wHeN i DoN'T piCk uP mY pHonE aNd tHeN hE wOuLd cALL foR 40 tiMeS tiLL i piCk uP hiS caLL.
oNcE i tOLd hiM i WaS gOinG tO bE iN tHe kitChEn, cOOkiNG diNNeR aNd i diD nOt bOthEr tO bRinG mY mObiLe pHonE oUt wiTh mE bEcAuSe A)i aLrEadY tOLd hiM wHeRe i WaS gOinG tO Be aNd B)i aM gOinG tO bE cOOkiNg sO i diDn'T tHiNk i nEEdeD a pHoNe tO cOOk mY diNNeR... aNd tHEn LaTeR hE caLLeD mY pHoNe... aNd wHeN i diDn'T piCk uP, hE pAniCkEd aNd sTaRtEd tO nUdgE mE oN MsN... hELLooooo... wHy wOuLd yOu nUdGe mE oN mSn... oN My LaPPiE... wHicH haPPeNs tO bE iN mY bEdRooM... wHeN yOu vEry WeLL kNOW tHaT i aM oUtSidE iN tHe KiTcHeN cOOkiNg DinNeR?!!!!! aNd tHeN fiNaLLy hE caLLeD tHe hOUsE pHoNe... jUsT tO make sUrE i wAS reALLy aCtuALLy iN tHe kiTcHeN cOOkinG...
iF tHaT's nOt tOO PaRaNoiD, tOO sEnSiTiVe aNd tOO POsSeSSiVe... tHeN i dOn'T kNoW whAT iS...
bUt yOu sEE, tHaT's mY pOinT... hE iS pArAnOid, SeNsiTiVe AnD poSSeSSivE aNd yEt, hE dOesN't kNoW hOw i fEEL wHeN i gEt uPsEt wHeN hE dOeSn'T cALL mE wHeN He pRomiSed tO caLL... oR wHeN hE dOesn'T picK uP mY pHoNe wHeN hE's OuT cLubbiNg wiTh fRieNds i Don't kNow... oR wHeN i gEt uPseT wHeN hE dOeSn't wAnT tO sPeNd tiMe wiTh mE...
BuT nOw i aM nOt EvEn aSKinG fOr mUcH fRoM hiM... aLL i wANt fRoM HiM iS jUsT tHe LoVe... ThE cARE... ThE aFFeCtiOn... hE uSeD tO GiVe mE... tHe sWeeT KJ tHaT wAs cRaZy aBoUt mE... ThE sWEeT KJ i KNoW bEfoRe hE LeFt PeRtH... nOw aLL i SeE iS tHe sAMe oLd KJ tHaT i wAs rELucTaNt tO gEt baCk wiTh iN thE fiRsT pLaCe... ThE sAme oLd KJ wHO wAs wiTh aNdrEA aNd aLiCia...
bUt i tHouGht hE rEaLLy DiD cHanGe fOr mE...
i jUST fEeL cHeaTeD... tO tHinK thAt i aCtuALLy fELL fOr hiS bAG oF tRiCks AnD tAcTiCs oNcE aGaiN... aNd mOmEnTs LiKe tHiS... i rEaLLy wiSh tHaT i cOuLd tUrN bAck tiMe aNd rE-wRiTe mY pAsT... iNsTeAd oF bEiNg sO aFraiD oF mAkiNg tHe wRoNg cHoiCe aNd dEciDinG wHo tO bE wiTh... i ShOuLd hAvE jUsT fOLLoW mY hEaRt aNd bE wiTH jiMMy... wHeN tHe aNsWeR wAs sO cLeaR iN mY hEaRt...
buT sTupiDLy, i rUiNeD eVeRyThiNg wiTh mY cOnfuSiOn bEtWeeN LoVe aNd fRiEnDsHiP...
iT's mOmEnTs LiKe tHis... i rEaLLy miSS jiMMy aNd wiSh i caN tUrN bAcK tiMe aNd rE-dO eVerYtHinG...
i wiSH i cAn tUrN bAcK tO tHe tiMe wHeN jiMMy oFFerEd tO dRiVe mE dOwN tO kJ's pLaCe wOrKs tHinGs oUt aS fRieNds... aNd i wOuLd sAy nO... aNd tRy tO mOvE oN fRoM thErE aNd sTaY hAPpy WiTh jiMMy... i kNoW, eVeN nOw... tHinGs wOuLd hAvE bEEn sO diFFerEnT aNd i pRoBaBLy i wOULd hAvE bEEn sO mUcH hAppiEr thAN wHeRe i aM nOw...
nOw aLL i dO eVerY dAY iS cRy... bEcAuSe i juSt fEEL sO heLpLeSS... bEcAuSE i dOn'T eVeN kNow hOw tO mAKe KJ LoVe mE tHe wAY hE uSed tO LoVe mE... aNd tHerE's nOtHinG i cAN dO tO hAvE tHaT KJ bAcK... i jUsT rEaLLy dOn't kNow whAt tO dO... i CaN't taLk tO hiM aBouT tHis... bEcAUSe wHeN We dO... aLL hE dOeS iS jUst sAys tHat hE LoVeS mE aNd sTaRt mAKiNg eMpTy pRomiSeS aGaiN... aNd tHe wOrSe pArt iS... i bELieVe aLL ThOsE eMpTy pRoMiSeS tHat hE wiLL bE bEttER, hE wiLL sPeNd mOrE tiMe wiTh mE aNd aLL tHoSe oThEr LieS...
hE sAys hE's sOrrY aNd iT woN't hAppEn AGaiN... bUt iT sTiLL dOeS... aNd wHeN iT dOeS, i cAN'T hELp but tO gEt aNgRy anD uPseT... i DOn'T mEaN tO bE aNgRy bUt i jUsT do... AnD WHeN thAt haPPeNs, He jUsT wALks aWaY aNd cAn'T bE bOthErEd tO mAke tHinGs riGht... aNd tHeN i gEt eVeN mOrE uPsEt... aNd tHeN i sTaRT cRyiNg aGAin... bECAUSe iT's bAcK tO sQuArE oNe aGaiN...
i KnOw tHat iF tHiS kEEpS hAppEniNg... iT wOuLd RuiN uS... aNd i WaNt tO sToP tHaT fRoM hAppEniNg... bUt hE dOeSn'T sEE tHaT...
eVeRydAy noW, wHeN We cHaT... hE's aLwAys TiReD aNd hE dOeSn'T wAnt tO cHaT... aNd i tRy tO bE uNdErStAndinG, hE sAYs giVe hiM oNe oR tWo hOurS tO pLaY gAmE... i sAy OkaY... hE sAys hE wAntS tO wAtcH moViE... i sAY oKaY... hE sAYs hE wAnTs tO sLeeP fOr aWHiLe... i SaY oKaY... bUt nOw iT's gEttiNg tOO muCh fOr mE eDi... hE's aLwAys tiReD aNd He aLwaYs wAnT tO dO sOmetHinG eLse... bEsiDeS, sPendiNg tiMe wiTh Me...
aNd thAT rEaLLy hUrTs... aNd iT hUrTs eVen mOrE wHeN i geT uPseT tHaT hE dOeSn'T wANt tO sPeNd tiMe wiTh mE... hE dOeSn'T eVeN bOthEr tO cALL mE oR tRy tO mAKe mE fEEL bEttEr aNyMoRe... iNsTeAd, hE jUsT dOeS hiS OwN tHinG... iN tHe pAsT, iF hE kNeW i WaS uPseT oR sAD... hE wOuLd iMMeDiaTeLy cALL tO mAkEs tHinGs bEttEr... nOw, hE jUSt dOeSn'T cArE aBouT mE aNymOrE...
hE sAid That i aM wiTh tHe bEttEr gUy oUt oF tHe tWo... bUt nOw i jUsT FeeL i hAVe mAdE a rEaLLy hUgE miStAkE... i ShOuLd hAVE jUsT sTiCk tO whAt mY hEaRt wAnTeD aNd bE wiTh jiMMy... bUt nOw i CaN'T dO aNyThiNg aBouT iT... aNd i ReaLLy aM aT tHe LoSinG eNd hErE... i tHouGhT i CaN jUsT wOrK tHinGs oUt wiTh KJ... eSpEciALLy wHeN hE hAs chaNgEd sO mUcH fOr mE... aNd wE cAN mAKe tHiS rELaTiOnshiP woRk...
nOw... wHaT dO i gEt?? nOthiNg... i LoST a rEaLLy gEnuiNe gOOd gUy fOr mYsELf... aNd i LosT tHe gUy i fELL iN LoVe wiTH... aNd aLL i HaVe nOw iS a MaLe cHAuViNiSTiC PiG wHo ThiNks hE CaN tReaT wOmEn hOwEvEr hE wANts To tReaT hEr...
i jUsT reaLLy miSS tHe gUy wHo cLiMbeD oVeR tHe wALL fOr mE... ThE gUy wHo wAs dOwN oN hiS kNeeS aT tHe bUs StOp, tELLiNg mE thAT hE iS pOsiTiVe tHaT hE cAn mAke Me hAppY aNd tHaT i woULd nOt rEgrEt iT iF i cHoSE hiM... tHe gUy wHO wRoTe mE tHe LoVe LeTTeR wiTh ThE cRaPPy hANdWriTinG... i miSs tHe gUy wHo reALLy cHaNgEd hiMsElf to be wiTh mE... wHaT hAPPEnEd tO hiM???
i miSs hiM sO mUcH... thAt i CaN'T hELp bUt cRy bEcAUSe i JusT fEEL so hOpELeSS aNd hELPLeSS bEcAuSe i DoN'T kNow wHAT tO dO tO hAVE hiM bAcK... aNd i DoN't wANt tO cRy... bUt i cAn'T hELp iT... thE tEaRs jUsT kEEp pOuRiNg oUt oF mE... BeCaUsE i fEEL sO aLoNe riGht nOw... mY fRiEnDs aLL bAcK hOmE fOr HoLiDaYs... The GuY i UsUaLLy rUn tO fOr cOmFoRt iS NoW nO LonGeR sPeaKinG tO mE aNd iS NeWLy-aTTaChEd tO sOmEoNe eLse... aNd mY oWn BoYFriEnD dOeSn'T cArE aBoUt mE aNyMoRE...
i jUsT rEaLLy fEEL sO hOpELeSS... i fEEL LiKe i hAvE LoSt EvErYtHinG... aNd sO aLoNe...
Labels: hUrT, PaiN
Written on:
Thursday, July 17, 2008
LeTTinG gO... aNd mOVinG oN...
0 Messages
LaSt fRidAY, mY aNgEr tOwArdS jiMMy bEgAn tO sUbSiDe aNd iNstEAd, tHe fEELinGs oF aNgEr wErE sOOn rEPLaCed wiTh mE MiSSinG hiM eVeN mOrE... mY hEaRt juSt stiNgs tReMenDOusLY wHeNeVer i tHouGht oF hOw hE hAs LiEd tO mE wiTh hiS wOrDs... i jUsT cOuLdn't aCCepT thE fAcT tHaT hE wAs caPaBLe oF LYinG tO mE wHeN hE sAid aLL tHoSe tHinGs...
bUt aS i rEmiNiSce ouR tiMes wE sPeNt tOgeTheR, eVerYthiNg hE DiD jUsT fELt sO reAL... aLL tHosE wOrdS aNd acTiOns tHaT hE eXpReSSed... iT jUsT cOULdn'T pOssiBLy bE fAkEd... hE wOuLdn't hAvE cOOkeD mE sOuPs oR baKed mE cHocoLaTe pUddiNg, oR mAdE mE mY iCeD LeMoN tEa juSt tHe wAy i LiKe iT... fOr nO reAsOn... hE cOULdn'T pOssiBLy hAvE kNowN aNd oBsErvEd tHaT i aM uSuaLLy hUngRy wHenEvEr i jUsT wAke uP frOm a sLeeP oR a nAp(sOmeThiNg i DiDn'T reALiZe tiLL hE tOLd mE...)iF hE reALLy diDn'T hAvE tHaT muCh fEELinGs fOr mE...
hOw... iT gOt fRoM "i reALLy LoVe yOu aNd i cAN't aFForD tO LoSe yOU"... tO... hAviNg a NeW giRLfRiEnD nAmeD cRyStAL(yEs, hEr nAmE iS cRysTaL... sOmeTHiNg i uNiNteNtiOnaLLy dUg uP wHiLe bOndiNg wiTh mY oThEr hOuSemAtEs, sAnni aNd mAy... yEs, tHe tWo *****es... bUt nOw, maYbE tHeY aRe nOT sO bAd, aFteR aLL... hEhE)... iS jUsT bEyOnD mE... bUt tO bE hOneSt, i Don'T wAnT tO kNow... aNd iT dOesN't mAttEr tO mE aNyMorE.
hOweVer, thAT FriDaY niGht, aFteR sPeAkiNg tO aNdrEa aNd rEGinE... i rEaLizEd tHaT bY riGht, i aM aLsO tO bE bLaMed fOr hOw tHinGs hAs tUrnEd oUt tHe wAy tHeY DiD... bEcAusE i kEpT hiM waiTinG... sO tEcHnicaLLy, wHaT hE diD iSn't wRonG... aNd aS tHe sAyinG gOes,"aLL's fAir iN LovE aNd wAr"... sO fiNaLLy, i dEciDeD tO wRiTe hiM aN eMaiL... a LettEr oF aPoLoGy... aPoLogiZiNg fOr eVerY miStaKe i hAve mAde... eVerY iNjuStiCe tHaT hE diDn't dEsErVe... bAsiCaLLy, i aPoLoGiZeD fOr eVeRytHinG tHaT hAs hAppEnEd.
tHiS LeTTeR oF aPoLoGy wAs a FoRm oF cLoSurE fOr mE...
wHicH wAs beTTer tHan sPeaKinG tO hiM fACe tO fAce... aS iT wAsN't a gOOd iDeA... As iT sErvEd nO pUrPoSE... bEcAuse i diD nOt hAve aNytHinG tO sAy tHaT hE wAntEd tO hEaR... aNd i tHinK, iN tHe tiMe bEinG, iT's a GooD iDeA tHaT wE bOtH sHouLdn'T bE sEEiNg oR sPeaKinG tO eAch oTher... bEcAuse i kNow, i aM nOt rEaDy fOr iT...
tHe mOmEnT i cLicKed "sEnD"... i fELt a SeNsE oF rELieF aS tHe eMaiL wAs sEcOnDs awAy tO bEiNg eLecTroNicaLLy dELivErEd tO hiS maiLboX... a bUrdEn oFF mY sHouLdeRs... aNd sOOn aFTeR tHaT, i hAd tHe sTreNgTh tO deLeTe aLL tHe tExt mEssAgEs jiMMy sEnt tO mE iN tHe pAst... aS hOuRs bEfOrE tHaT, i cOuLdn't gO tHrouGh wiTh iT.
i fELt i wAs taKinG LittLe bAbY sTePs tO MoVinG oN fRom ThE pAsT wiTh jiMMy...
aS oF nOw... mY fEELinGs fOr jiMMy aRe sTiLL tHeRe... sTiLL eXisTeNt buT NoT aS inTeNsE aS bEfOrE... ThE aNGeLic SidE oF mE iS siNceReLy haPPy tHaT hE hAs fOunD sOmeOnE eLse tO mAke HiM haPPy bECauSe hE dEsErVeS tHaT haPPinEss...
hOwEvEr, tHe TiNy DeViL iN mE wHiCh iS eNrAgEd wiTh eGo aNd pRiDe, iS sECreTLy hOpiNg tHaT tHeiR rELaTiOnsHiP wOn'T LaSt bEcAuSe hE wiLL sOOn rEaLiSe wHaT a miStAke iT wAs tO rUsH iNtO a rELatioNshiP wiTh tHis GiRL wHo iS nOtHinG iN cOmpAriSoN oF mE... hAhA, i kNow... eViL, riGht?? bUt hEy, jUsT tHe tHouGht mAkeS mE fEEL bEtTeR aLreADy... hEhE...
aNd jUsT beCaUsE i aM cOOL wiTh hiM hAvinG a GiRLfRiEnD... tHaT dOesN'T mEaN i wAnt tO mEEt hEr aNytiMe sOOn oR tO hEaR tHeM taLkiNg oR LauGhinG iN tHe nExT rOOm.
bEfoRe i eNd toDaY's eNtRy... i woULd LiKe tO sHaRe sOmetHinG wiTh yOu aLL... i fOuNd sOMe qUotEs tHaT i rEaLLy cOuLd cOnnEct wiTh... aNd iN wEiRd sOrT oF wAy, i fOuNd tHeM vErY hELpfuL aNd hEaLiNg aS i rEaD tHem... mAybE yOu gUys maY fiNd tHeSe quOtes iNtEreStiNg tOO.
"You can fall in love in an instant. It's letting go that takes time." AnoNymOuS
"Falling in love is awfully simple, but falling out of love is simply awful." AnOnYmOuS
"The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core. Scratch a lover and find a foe." Dorothy Rothschild Parker
"She's gone. I am abused, and my relief must be to loathe her." William Shakespeare
"A false enchantment can all too easily last a lifetime." W. H. Auden
"Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love." Leo Buscaglia
"The hottest love has the coldest end." Socrates
"If we are to judge of love by its consequences, it more nearly resembles hatred than friendship." Francois De La Rochefoucauld
Labels: HeaRt bReaKs, hUrT, PaiN
Written on:
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
