i aM mE aNd nO oNe eLse. aN aNiMaL-LoVinG, eMotiOnaL cHoCoHoLiC wHo cRiEs dUriNg MoViEs, eSpEciALLy wHeN tHe prOtAgOniSt LoSeS tHeiR LoVed OnEs. i aM cRaZy abOuT eVeRyThiNg tHaT maKeS mE hAppY, bE iT mY faMiLy, fRiEnDs oR a wArM cUp oF eArL gReY. mY LiFe hAs bEEn oNe MajOr dRaMa, sO LeT's hOPe tHe dRaMa cOntiNuEs oN...
mY LoVeS
i LoVe: My fAmiLy; mY tRuE fRiEnDs; aLL cUtE fUrrY cReaTuRes; cOOkinG + bAkiNg aNd eaTinG gOOd fOOd; diScOvEriNg NeW pLaCeS tO eAt aNd tO cHiLL oUt; FuNNy cOmEdiEs; fOrEiGn fiLMs; ChOcOLaTeS; ChAi LaTTe; hAviNg a gOOd LauGh; sHoPPinG; gOOd sExY SuPPoRtiVe bRas; cOLd SunDaY MoRniNgS; wArM sHowErS; gLuGGinG dOwN a iCe-ChiLLeD bEEr oN a HoT niGHt.
mY HaTeS
i haTe: nEGaTiViTy; LiZaRds; LyiNg & cHeAtinG aSShOLeS; mALe cHaUviNiStiC piGs; pOinTLeSS diEtS; HuMouRLeSS bUggERs; tRaVeLLinG iN aErOpLaNeS; pAriS hiLtOn; bEinG bRoKe; sUffEriNg fRoM a miNoR iNsOmNia; bAd BrAs; cAnTonEsE MoVieS dUbbEd iN maNdAriN; bEiNg aLoNe.
FiRsT oF aLL, mAnY tHaNks tO mY cHubbY LiN fOr iNsPiRinG mE tO cReAte mY veRy oWn bLoG wiThiN oNe niGht.
aNd tHanKs tO MiKe, FoR bEiNg mY tEcHnO hErO. iF iT wAsN't fOr HiM, mY fiRsT bLoG wOuLd nEveR hAve eXiSteD.
a BiG tHaNks tO "mAdeLiNe_tN" fOr hEr bAseCoDeS.
aNd oF cOuRsE, fiNaLLy... hEhE... ThaNKs tO MySeLf!!! mY dEtErmiNatioN aNd paTieNcE haVe fiNaLLy Paid oFF
fOr cReaTiNg tHiS piNk+mOO-FeStEd bLogsKin wHiCh i oH LoVe sO mUcH, fRoM sCraTcH!!!
RiGhT nOw... i dOn'T eVeN kNoW wHeRe i sTaNd aNymOrE... i dOn'T tHinK i wAs eVeR cUt oUt tO hAvE a LoVe LiFe iN tHe firSt pLaCe... iT's LiKe mY LOvE LiFe iS aLwAys sUcH a tRaGiC... i tHinK i WaS mEaNt tO LiVe mY LiFe aS aN oLd sPinStEr...
tHeRe's aLwAyS a "bUt" iN mY LoVe LifE...
TaKe mE aNd JiM*, fOr eXaMpLe... HoW wE uSeD tO bE suCh a pAiR oF LoVeBirDs tOgEtHeR... wE LOVeD eAcH oThEr sO mUcH... BUT dEEp iNsiDe, i wAs sTiLL uNhApPy... bECaUsE JiM* cOuLdn'T bE tHe gUY i wANtEd hiM tO bE... i nEEdEd hiM tO bE mOrE rEaLisTiC, rEsPOnsiBLe aNd mAtuReD... eVeN tHouGh i LOoKeD pAsT hiS fLaWs, wE eNdEd tHinGs beTwEEn uS iN tHe MosT uNpLeaSaNt wAy... dUe tO tHe fAcT thAt hE cOuLdn'T cOmE bAcK tO pErTh aNymOrE aNd i fOuNd sOmEoNe eLse...
wHicH LeADs tO BoB*... or oThErwiSe kNowN aS KJ... wHoM i rEaLLy fELL hEaD oVeR hEELs for... BUT... hE wAs a LyiNg, cHeaTiNg bAsTaRd... UsiNg mE oNLy fOr hiS sAtiSfACtioN... PLuS, hE fAiLed tO mEntiOn tHaT hE wAs acTuaLLy aLreAdy aTTaChEd tO sOmeoNe eLsE aT tHaT pOinT oF tiMe... aNd yEt, hE mAnAgeD tO sTriNg mE aLonG fOr tHe nExT SiX mOnThs... bReaKinG mY hEaRt oVeR aNd oVeR aGaiN...
aNd FiNaLLy, wHeN i fiNaLLy mOvEd oN fRoM hiM... aNd fOuNd sOmeOne wHo cOuLd mAke mE LaUgH aGaiN aNd bE rEaLLy hAppY wiTh... JiMMy... wHoM i thOuGht cOuLd Be tHe reAL deAl... BUT Kj cOmeS bAcK aNd sWooPs iN... aNd sTaRts cOnfUsiNg mE oNcE mOrE... LeAdiNg mE tO hUrT JiMMy wHo aLsO eNdEd uP bReaKinG mY heARt wHeN hE fOuNd sOmeOnE eLsE wHo cOuLd mAkE hiM hAppY sO qUiCkLy...
aNd nOw... tHaT i aM wiTh KJ, i aM sUppOsEd tO bE giDDy wiTh hAppiNeSS, riGHt?... BUT i tHinKinG tO mYseLf tHaT MaYbE... jUsT mAyBe... thAt ThiS iS jUsT a hUgE miStaKe... i jUsT fEEL Kj aNd i wErE jUsT nEvEr mEaNt tO bE... i aM jUsT nOt haPPy iN tHiS rELaTiOnsHip aNymoRe... aLL i dO eVerYdaY iS wOrrY, fEeL sAd aNd uPsEt... aNd cRy aLoNe iN mY rOOm... iS tHiS wHaT a ReLaTiOnSHiP sUppOsEd tO fEeL LikE? i JusT dOn'T sEE hOw i cAn gO oN aNymOrE... i aM sO exHaUsTed aNd nUmB... pHysiCaLLy, eMoTiOnALLy aNd mEnTaLLy.
eVeRytiMe wHeN i tHouGht tHinGs wErE sTaRtiNg tO LOok uP fOr tHe bOtH oF uS... tHinGs tHeN jUsT sTaRts sPiRaLLinG dOwNwArDs fRoM tHeRE... CraShiNg dOwN, dEsTroYiNg wHaT hOpEs i HaVe LeFt fOr tHiS rELaTiOnShiP... aNd tHiS iS haPPeNiNg eVeRyDaY.
i rEaLLy CaN't dO tHiS aNyMorE.
LikE LaST yEsTeRdAy... wHeN wE wERe cHaTTinG oN mSn tHrOugH wEBcaM... i gOt hiM tO cOnfeSSed tHaT yEs, hE hAs bEEn cOnTaCting HiS eX, BeTh*... aNd hE hAs bEEn hiDinG iT fRoM mE aLL tHiS tiMe... hOwevEr, hE wAs mOrE tHaN wiLLinG tO seNd mE hiS MsN cHaT LoGs... aNd fRoM rEaDinG tHe chaT LoGs... i wAs REaLiZed wHy hE cOuLdn'T bE bOthErEd tO cALL mE wHeN hE kNeW hOw uPsEt i wAs... bEcAuSe hE wAs tOO bUsY tRyiNg tO gEt bAcK wiTh BeTh*... aNd wHeN i fiNaLLy caLLeD hiM tO teLL hiM hOw uPsEt i WaS aBouT tHis... He JusT LaUgHs aNd aSSuReS mE tHaT hE hAs nO iNteNtiOn tO gEt bAck witH hEr... iT's jUsT thAT hiS hEaRt wAs iTcHy... i wAnT tO bELiEvE hiM tHat iT wAs aS siMpLe As tHaT... bUt i cAn'T...
iF iT rEaLLy wAs jUsT aS siMpLe As hE sAyS iT iS... tHeN... wHy sHouLd hE hiDe iT fRoM mE?
hE kNowS tHaT hE cAN aLwAys tELL mE tHinGs... bUt hE cHoSe tO hiDe iT fRoM mE.
hOw dO i tRusT hiM? hE aLwAys cOmPLaiNinG tHaT i cAn'T tRusT hiM... bUt iF yOu knOw i CaN'T tRuSt yOu... tHeN sHouLdn'T yOu bE dOinG sOmeThiNg tO eARn bAcK tHaT tRuSt?
aNd tHeN LaSt nigHt, i rEaLLy nEEdEd tO tALk tO hiM aNd cOnfiDe iN hiM aBouT mY pRoBLeM i Had wiTh a fRiEnd oF miNe... bUt He WaS iN suCh a fOuL mOOd dUe To rEaSoNs tHaT i CaN'T diScuSS wiTh hiM aLL... bUt yEa, i uNdErsTood tHaT hE diDn't wAnt tO cHaT aNd tHaT hE wAntEd tO bE LeFt oN hiS oWn... sO i tOLd hiM thAt iF pOssiBLe, wHeN hE iS rEaDy, cOuLd wE aT LeAsT cHaT fOr aT LeAsT aN hOuR bEfoRe hE gOeS tO sLeeP... hE sAid yEa, oKay... bUt tHeN hE jUSt wEnt oFF tO bEd... wiThOuT EvEn tELLing mE... kNowiNg vErY wELL tHaT i WaS wAiTiNg fOr HiM tHe wHoLe tiMe.
aNd wHeN i LeFt hiM aN oFFLiNe mEssAGe tELLiNg hiM tHaT aLthOuGh i uNdErsTaNd tHaT hE iS iN a bAd moOd aNd tHaT iF hE hAd rEaLLy wAntEd tO bE aLoNe tHe wHoLe niGht, hE cOULd hAve jUsT toLd mE aNd i wouLd hAvE tOtaLLy uNdeRstAnd... bUt i jUst diDn'T aPPreCiaTe tHe fAct tHaT hE jUsT wEnT oFFLinE LiKe tHaT... wiThOuT eVeN tELLinG mE... wHeN hE kNeW i WaS wAitiNg fOr hiM...
aNd aLL hE cOuLd sAY tO me tHiS mOrniNg oN MsN wAs bAbY... sOrrY...
aNd wEnT oFFLiNe.
hE dOeSn'T teLL mE hE's oFF tO foLLoW hiS dAd tO rUn eRRaNds aNymOrE...
wHaT dO i Do? hE hAs cHangEd tO sOmeoNe tHaT i tOtaLLy dO nOt kNow AnyMorE... dO i sTaY aNd coNtiNuE fiGhtiNg LiKe wHaT i hAvE bEEN dOinG a YeAR aGo? oR sHoULd i rEaLLy LeT gO oF eVerYtHiNg aNd sTaRt aFreSh?
i jUsT dOn'T sEE hOw i cAN bE haPPy aNymORe...
FriEnds wHo WeRe tHeRe fOr mE duRiNg mY hArD tiMes LasT yEaR... aLL tELL mE tO mOVe oN... LeT gO... aNd tHaT i aM beTTer oFF wiThouT hiM...
FriENds wHo oNLy knOw uS tHiS yEaR... tELLs Me tO sTaY aNd wOrK tHiNgs oUt... Or aT LeAst... wAit UntiL hE cOmEs bACk aNd sOrT tHinGs oUt wiTH hiM...
bUt riGht nOw, i DoN'T sEE hOw i cAn wOrK tHinGs oUt... wHeN hE hAs cHaNgeD sO mUcH tO sOmEOnE i Do nOt kNoW aT aLL cOmPLeTeLy...
BUT i jUsT dON't kNoW wHerE tO eVeN beGiN... oR tO eNd.
eVeRsiNcE Kj fOunD oUt aBouT jiMMy aNd hiS giRLfriEnD... Kj's aTTiTuDe tOwArDs mE jUsT 180 dEgrEE cHanGed cOmpLeTeLy... hE dOesN't cArE aBouT mE aS MuCh aNymOrE... hE dOesN'T bOthEr tO cALL oR TexT mEssAgE mE LiKe hE uSeD tO aNymOrE... aNd wHen wE tALk oN mSn... We'Re nOt rEaLLy tALkiNg... LaSt tiMe, hE wOuLd bE inTeReSteD tO kNoW hOw mY dAy hAs BeeN aNd hE rEaLLy eNgAge hiMseLf tO tHe cOnVeRsATiOn... bUt nOw, iT jUsT feeLs LiKe i aM tHe oNe dOinG mOsT oF tHe tALkinG... it jUsT fEELs LikE hE dOesN'T cARe aNyMoRe...
aNd wHeNeVeR i bRinG tHiS uP tO hiM... aLL hE cAN sAY is i aM bEinG tOO pArAnOiD, tOO seNsiTiVe aNd tOO pOssEsSiVe... aNd tHaT rEaLLy hUrTs a LoT!!! iNsTeaD oF cOnSoLinG mE oR cOmfOrTinG mE, hE jUsT diSmiSSeS mE bY tELLinG mE tO sToP iT aNd aLL hE dOeS iS "I LOVE YOU FOOL"... bUt tHaT's tHe tHinG, tHoSe aRe jUsT wOrDs tO mE... iF yOu reaLLy LOvE mE... TheN sHoW iT... aCtiOnS sPeaKs LoUdEr tHaN wOrDs...
i jUsT hAtEs iT wHeN hE sAYs tHaT i aM bEiNg tOO pArAnOiD, sEnSITiVe aNd PoSSeSSiVe!!! bEcaUsE i KnoW i aM nOt... i WoULdn'T bE fEELiNg tHe wAy i dO iF hE rEaLLy sHOwED tHe cARe, LoVe aNd aFFeCtiOn LiKe He uSeD tO... aNd hOw cAn hE sAy i M bEinG tOO pOssEssiVe??? i tHinK i Am tRyiNg vErY hARd hErE tO bE cOOL aNd cALM wiTh giVinG hiM aS mUcH sPACe As hE nEEds... i Don'T eVeN cALL hiM mOrE tHaN fiVe tiMeS a dAy... AnD iF i dO cALL hiM, it'S oNLy tO tELL hiM wHerE i AM gOinG oR tO iNfOrm hiM oF mY wHeReaBouTs... iT's nOt eVeN tO cHecK uP oN hiM!!!
i jUsT gEt rEaLLy uPsEt tHaT hE dOeSn't uNdErStAnd hOw i fEEL... bEcAuSe iF aNyOnE hAs tO uNdErsTANd hOw i feeL, iT wOULd hAVe tO bE hiM... bEcAUsE iN thE pAsT, hE wAs tHe oNe wHO wAs aLwAys MAKinG sUcH a biG deAL wHeN i Don'T caLL hiM oR mEssAgE him to LeT hiM kNoW wHeRe i Am gOinG. hE wAs tHe oNe wHo wOuLd gEt rEaLLy aNgRy wHeN i diD nOT wAnT tO wEBCaM wiTh hiM... WHEN WE ARE BOTH STILL IN PERTH!!!! hE wAs tHe oNe wHo wOuLd tEXt mESSaGe mE aNd sAy "Oi, yOu dOn'T miSS mE aR? nEvEr mEsSaGe mE oR caLL mE??"... hE wAs tHe oNe wHo gEt aLL fReaKed OuT wHeN i DoN'T piCk uP mY pHonE aNd tHeN hE wOuLd cALL foR 40 tiMeS tiLL i piCk uP hiS caLL.
oNcE i tOLd hiM i WaS gOinG tO bE iN tHe kitChEn, cOOkiNG diNNeR aNd i diD nOt bOthEr tO bRinG mY mObiLe pHonE oUt wiTh mE bEcAuSe A)i aLrEadY tOLd hiM wHeRe i WaS gOinG tO Be aNd B)i aM gOinG tO bE cOOkiNg sO i diDn'T tHiNk i nEEdeD a pHoNe tO cOOk mY diNNeR... aNd tHEn LaTeR hE caLLeD mY pHoNe... aNd wHeN i diDn'T piCk uP, hE pAniCkEd aNd sTaRtEd tO nUdgE mE oN MsN... hELLooooo... wHy wOuLd yOu nUdGe mE oN mSn... oN My LaPPiE... wHicH haPPeNs tO bE iN mY bEdRooM... wHeN yOu vEry WeLL kNOW tHaT i aM oUtSidE iN tHe KiTcHeN cOOkiNg DinNeR?!!!!! aNd tHeN fiNaLLy hE caLLeD tHe hOUsE pHoNe... jUsT tO make sUrE i wAS reALLy aCtuALLy iN tHe kiTcHeN cOOkinG...
iF tHaT's nOt tOO PaRaNoiD, tOO sEnSiTiVe aNd tOO POsSeSSiVe... tHeN i dOn'T kNoW whAT iS...
bUt yOu sEE, tHaT's mY pOinT... hE iS pArAnOid, SeNsiTiVe AnD poSSeSSivE aNd yEt, hE dOesN't kNoW hOw i fEEL wHeN i gEt uPsEt wHeN hE dOeSn'T cALL mE wHeN He pRomiSed tO caLL... oR wHeN hE dOesn'T picK uP mY pHoNe wHeN hE's OuT cLubbiNg wiTh fRieNds i Don't kNow... oR wHeN i gEt uPseT wHeN hE dOeSn't wAnT tO sPeNd tiMe wiTh mE...
BuT nOw i aM nOt EvEn aSKinG fOr mUcH fRoM hiM... aLL i wANt fRoM HiM iS jUsT tHe LoVe... ThE cARE... ThE aFFeCtiOn... hE uSeD tO GiVe mE... tHe sWeeT KJ tHaT wAs cRaZy aBoUt mE... ThE sWEeT KJ i KNoW bEfoRe hE LeFt PeRtH... nOw aLL i SeE iS tHe sAMe oLd KJ tHaT i wAs rELucTaNt tO gEt baCk wiTh iN thE fiRsT pLaCe... ThE sAme oLd KJ wHO wAs wiTh aNdrEA aNd aLiCia...
bUt i tHouGht hE rEaLLy DiD cHanGe fOr mE...
i jUST fEeL cHeaTeD... tO tHinK thAt i aCtuALLy fELL fOr hiS bAG oF tRiCks AnD tAcTiCs oNcE aGaiN... aNd mOmEnTs LiKe tHiS... i rEaLLy wiSh tHaT i cOuLd tUrN bAck tiMe aNd rE-wRiTe mY pAsT... iNsTeAd oF bEiNg sO aFraiD oF mAkiNg tHe wRoNg cHoiCe aNd dEciDinG wHo tO bE wiTh... i ShOuLd hAvE jUsT fOLLoW mY hEaRt aNd bE wiTH jiMMy... wHeN tHe aNsWeR wAs sO cLeaR iN mY hEaRt...
buT sTupiDLy, i rUiNeD eVeRyThiNg wiTh mY cOnfuSiOn bEtWeeN LoVe aNd fRiEnDsHiP...
iT's mOmEnTs LiKe tHis... i rEaLLy miSS jiMMy aNd wiSh i caN tUrN bAcK tiMe aNd rE-dO eVerYtHinG...
i wiSH i cAn tUrN bAcK tO tHe tiMe wHeN jiMMy oFFerEd tO dRiVe mE dOwN tO kJ's pLaCe wOrKs tHinGs oUt aS fRieNds... aNd i wOuLd sAy nO... aNd tRy tO mOvE oN fRoM thErE aNd sTaY hAPpy WiTh jiMMy... i kNoW, eVeN nOw... tHinGs wOuLd hAvE bEEn sO diFFerEnT aNd i pRoBaBLy i wOULd hAvE bEEn sO mUcH hAppiEr thAN wHeRe i aM nOw...
nOw aLL i dO eVerY dAY iS cRy... bEcAuSe i juSt fEEL sO heLpLeSS... bEcAuSE i dOn'T eVeN kNow hOw tO mAKe KJ LoVe mE tHe wAY hE uSed tO LoVe mE... aNd tHerE's nOtHinG i cAN dO tO hAvE tHaT KJ bAcK... i jUsT rEaLLy dOn't kNow whAt tO dO... i CaN't taLk tO hiM aBouT tHis... bEcAUSe wHeN We dO... aLL hE dOeS iS jUst sAys tHat hE LoVeS mE aNd sTaRt mAKiNg eMpTy pRomiSeS aGaiN... aNd tHe wOrSe pArt iS... i bELieVe aLL ThOsE eMpTy pRoMiSeS tHat hE wiLL bE bEttER, hE wiLL sPeNd mOrE tiMe wiTh mE aNd aLL tHoSe oThEr LieS...
hE sAys hE's sOrrY aNd iT woN't hAppEn AGaiN... bUt iT sTiLL dOeS... aNd wHeN iT dOeS, i cAN'T hELp but tO gEt aNgRy anD uPseT... i DOn'T mEaN tO bE aNgRy bUt i jUsT do... AnD WHeN thAt haPPeNs, He jUsT wALks aWaY aNd cAn'T bE bOthErEd tO mAke tHinGs riGht... aNd tHeN i gEt eVeN mOrE uPsEt... aNd tHeN i sTaRT cRyiNg aGAin... bECAUSe iT's bAcK tO sQuArE oNe aGaiN...
i KnOw tHat iF tHiS kEEpS hAppEniNg... iT wOuLd RuiN uS... aNd i WaNt tO sToP tHaT fRoM hAppEniNg... bUt hE dOeSn'T sEE tHaT...
eVeRydAy noW, wHeN We cHaT... hE's aLwAys TiReD aNd hE dOeSn'T wAnt tO cHaT... aNd i tRy tO bE uNdErStAndinG, hE sAYs giVe hiM oNe oR tWo hOurS tO pLaY gAmE... i sAy OkaY... hE sAys hE wAntS tO wAtcH moViE... i sAY oKaY... hE sAYs hE wAnTs tO sLeeP fOr aWHiLe... i SaY oKaY... bUt nOw iT's gEttiNg tOO muCh fOr mE eDi... hE's aLwAys tiReD aNd He aLwaYs wAnT tO dO sOmetHinG eLse... bEsiDeS, sPendiNg tiMe wiTh Me...
aNd thAT rEaLLy hUrTs... aNd iT hUrTs eVen mOrE wHeN i geT uPseT tHaT hE dOeSn'T wANt tO sPeNd tiMe wiTh mE... hE dOeSn'T eVeN bOthEr tO cALL mE oR tRy tO mAKe mE fEEL bEttEr aNyMoRe... iNsTeAd, hE jUsT dOeS hiS OwN tHinG... iN tHe pAsT, iF hE kNeW i WaS uPseT oR sAD... hE wOuLd iMMeDiaTeLy cALL tO mAkEs tHinGs bEttEr... nOw, hE jUSt dOeSn'T cArE aBouT mE aNymOrE...
hE sAid That i aM wiTh tHe bEttEr gUy oUt oF tHe tWo... bUt nOw i jUsT FeeL i hAVe mAdE a rEaLLy hUgE miStAkE... i ShOuLd hAVE jUsT sTiCk tO whAt mY hEaRt wAnTeD aNd bE wiTh jiMMy... bUt nOw i CaN'T dO aNyThiNg aBouT iT... aNd i ReaLLy aM aT tHe LoSinG eNd hErE... i tHouGhT i CaN jUsT wOrK tHinGs oUt wiTh KJ... eSpEciALLy wHeN hE hAs chaNgEd sO mUcH fOr mE... aNd wE cAN mAKe tHiS rELaTiOnshiP woRk...
nOw... wHaT dO i gEt?? nOthiNg... i LoST a rEaLLy gEnuiNe gOOd gUy fOr mYsELf... aNd i LosT tHe gUy i fELL iN LoVe wiTH... aNd aLL i HaVe nOw iS a MaLe cHAuViNiSTiC PiG wHo ThiNks hE CaN tReaT wOmEn hOwEvEr hE wANts To tReaT hEr...
i jUsT reaLLy miSS tHe gUy wHo cLiMbeD oVeR tHe wALL fOr mE... ThE gUy wHo wAs dOwN oN hiS kNeeS aT tHe bUs StOp, tELLiNg mE thAT hE iS pOsiTiVe tHaT hE cAn mAke Me hAppY aNd tHaT i woULd nOt rEgrEt iT iF i cHoSE hiM... tHe gUy wHO wRoTe mE tHe LoVe LeTTeR wiTh ThE cRaPPy hANdWriTinG... i miSs tHe gUy wHo reALLy cHaNgEd hiMsElf to be wiTh mE... wHaT hAPPEnEd tO hiM???
i miSs hiM sO mUcH... thAt i CaN'T hELp bUt cRy bEcAUSe i JusT fEEL so hOpELeSS aNd hELPLeSS bEcAuSe i DoN'T kNow wHAT tO dO tO hAVE hiM bAcK... aNd i DoN't wANt tO cRy... bUt i cAn'T hELp iT... thE tEaRs jUsT kEEp pOuRiNg oUt oF mE... BeCaUsE i fEEL sO aLoNe riGht nOw... mY fRiEnDs aLL bAcK hOmE fOr HoLiDaYs... The GuY i UsUaLLy rUn tO fOr cOmFoRt iS NoW nO LonGeR sPeaKinG tO mE aNd iS NeWLy-aTTaChEd tO sOmEoNe eLse... aNd mY oWn BoYFriEnD dOeSn'T cArE aBoUt mE aNyMoRE...
i jUsT rEaLLy fEEL sO hOpELeSS... i fEEL LiKe i hAvE LoSt EvErYtHinG... aNd sO aLoNe...
LaSt fRidAY, mY aNgEr tOwArdS jiMMy bEgAn tO sUbSiDe aNd iNstEAd, tHe fEELinGs oF aNgEr wErE sOOn rEPLaCed wiTh mE MiSSinG hiM eVeN mOrE... mY hEaRt juSt stiNgs tReMenDOusLY wHeNeVer i tHouGht oF hOw hE hAs LiEd tO mE wiTh hiS wOrDs... i jUsT cOuLdn't aCCepT thE fAcT tHaT hE wAs caPaBLe oF LYinG tO mE wHeN hE sAid aLL tHoSe tHinGs...
bUt aS i rEmiNiSce ouR tiMes wE sPeNt tOgeTheR, eVerYthiNg hE DiD jUsT fELt sO reAL... aLL tHosE wOrdS aNd acTiOns tHaT hE eXpReSSed... iT jUsT cOULdn'T pOssiBLy bE fAkEd... hE wOuLdn't hAvE cOOkeD mE sOuPs oR baKed mE cHocoLaTe pUddiNg, oR mAdE mE mY iCeD LeMoN tEa juSt tHe wAy i LiKe iT... fOr nO reAsOn... hE cOULdn'T pOssiBLy hAvE kNowN aNd oBsErvEd tHaT i aM uSuaLLy hUngRy wHenEvEr i jUsT wAke uP frOm a sLeeP oR a nAp(sOmeThiNg i DiDn'T reALiZe tiLL hE tOLd mE...)iF hE reALLy diDn'T hAvE tHaT muCh fEELinGs fOr mE...
hOw... iT gOt fRoM "i reALLy LoVe yOu aNd i cAN't aFForD tO LoSe yOU"... tO... hAviNg a NeW giRLfRiEnD nAmeD cRyStAL(yEs, hEr nAmE iS cRysTaL... sOmeTHiNg i uNiNteNtiOnaLLy dUg uP wHiLe bOndiNg wiTh mY oThEr hOuSemAtEs, sAnni aNd mAy... yEs, tHe tWo *****es... bUt nOw, maYbE tHeY aRe nOT sO bAd, aFteR aLL... hEhE)... iS jUsT bEyOnD mE... bUt tO bE hOneSt, i Don'T wAnT tO kNow... aNd iT dOesN't mAttEr tO mE aNyMorE.
hOweVer, thAT FriDaY niGht, aFteR sPeAkiNg tO aNdrEa aNd rEGinE... i rEaLizEd tHaT bY riGht, i aM aLsO tO bE bLaMed fOr hOw tHinGs hAs tUrnEd oUt tHe wAy tHeY DiD... bEcAusE i kEpT hiM waiTinG... sO tEcHnicaLLy, wHaT hE diD iSn't wRonG... aNd aS tHe sAyinG gOes,"aLL's fAir iN LovE aNd wAr"... sO fiNaLLy, i dEciDeD tO wRiTe hiM aN eMaiL... a LettEr oF aPoLoGy... aPoLogiZiNg fOr eVerY miStaKe i hAve mAde... eVerY iNjuStiCe tHaT hE diDn't dEsErVe... bAsiCaLLy, i aPoLoGiZeD fOr eVeRytHinG tHaT hAs hAppEnEd.
tHiS LeTTeR oF aPoLoGy wAs a FoRm oF cLoSurE fOr mE...
wHicH wAs beTTer tHan sPeaKinG tO hiM fACe tO fAce... aS iT wAsN't a gOOd iDeA... As iT sErvEd nO pUrPoSE... bEcAuse i diD nOt hAve aNytHinG tO sAy tHaT hE wAntEd tO hEaR... aNd i tHinK, iN tHe tiMe bEinG, iT's a GooD iDeA tHaT wE bOtH sHouLdn'T bE sEEiNg oR sPeaKinG tO eAch oTher... bEcAuse i kNow, i aM nOt rEaDy fOr iT...
tHe mOmEnT i cLicKed "sEnD"... i fELt a SeNsE oF rELieF aS tHe eMaiL wAs sEcOnDs awAy tO bEiNg eLecTroNicaLLy dELivErEd tO hiS maiLboX... a bUrdEn oFF mY sHouLdeRs... aNd sOOn aFTeR tHaT, i hAd tHe sTreNgTh tO deLeTe aLL tHe tExt mEssAgEs jiMMy sEnt tO mE iN tHe pAst... aS hOuRs bEfOrE tHaT, i cOuLdn't gO tHrouGh wiTh iT.
i fELt i wAs taKinG LittLe bAbY sTePs tO MoVinG oN fRom ThE pAsT wiTh jiMMy...
aS oF nOw... mY fEELinGs fOr jiMMy aRe sTiLL tHeRe... sTiLL eXisTeNt buT NoT aS inTeNsE aS bEfOrE... ThE aNGeLic SidE oF mE iS siNceReLy haPPy tHaT hE hAs fOunD sOmeOnE eLse tO mAke HiM haPPy bECauSe hE dEsErVeS tHaT haPPinEss...
hOwEvEr, tHe TiNy DeViL iN mE wHiCh iS eNrAgEd wiTh eGo aNd pRiDe, iS sECreTLy hOpiNg tHaT tHeiR rELaTiOnsHiP wOn'T LaSt bEcAuSe hE wiLL sOOn rEaLiSe wHaT a miStAke iT wAs tO rUsH iNtO a rELatioNshiP wiTh tHis GiRL wHo iS nOtHinG iN cOmpAriSoN oF mE... hAhA, i kNow... eViL, riGht?? bUt hEy, jUsT tHe tHouGht mAkeS mE fEEL bEtTeR aLreADy... hEhE...
aNd jUsT beCaUsE i aM cOOL wiTh hiM hAvinG a GiRLfRiEnD... tHaT dOesN'T mEaN i wAnt tO mEEt hEr aNytiMe sOOn oR tO hEaR tHeM taLkiNg oR LauGhinG iN tHe nExT rOOm.
bEfoRe i eNd toDaY's eNtRy... i woULd LiKe tO sHaRe sOmetHinG wiTh yOu aLL... i fOuNd sOMe qUotEs tHaT i rEaLLy cOuLd cOnnEct wiTh... aNd iN wEiRd sOrT oF wAy, i fOuNd tHeM vErY hELpfuL aNd hEaLiNg aS i rEaD tHem... mAybE yOu gUys maY fiNd tHeSe quOtes iNtEreStiNg tOO.
"You can fall in love in an instant. It's letting go that takes time." AnoNymOuS
"Falling in love is awfully simple, but falling out of love is simply awful." AnOnYmOuS
"The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core. Scratch a lover and find a foe." Dorothy Rothschild Parker
"She's gone. I am abused, and my relief must be to loathe her." William Shakespeare
"A false enchantment can all too easily last a lifetime." W. H. Auden
"Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love." Leo Buscaglia
"The hottest love has the coldest end." Socrates
"If we are to judge of love by its consequences, it more nearly resembles hatred than friendship." Francois De La Rochefoucauld
eVerYthiNg bEtWeeN mE aNd jiMMy wAs gOinG vErY sMooTHLy... bUt tHaT wAs uNtiL LaSt tWo wEEks aGo, wHeN wE bOtH dEciDeD tO bOrroWeD sOmE dVds tO wAtCh tOGeThEr.
bEcaUsE KJ aNd i aRe sO fAr aPaRt fRoM eAcH oThEr, i fELt a SeNsE oF rEsPonSiBiLiTy tO pRoVe mY LoyaLtY tO KJ bY pUttiNg hiM fiRsT, nO mAttEr whAt. eVeN iF iT mEaNt i hAd tO miSs sOmE pArT oF tHe mOviE, jUsT sO wE caN wEBcaM aNd cHaT fOr aWHiLE...
oN mOndAY niGhT, bECaUSe tHeRe wErE sOme mOrE dVds tHaT wE hAveN'T wAtcHEd yEt, i asKeD jiMMy iF hE wAs fRee tOmOrrOw nigHt aNd he SaiD yEa. aNd i sAiD okAy... wAnnA wAtCh DvDs tOMoRRoW?? hE sAiD oKaY... aNd wHaT hAppEned wAs tHe nExT daY hE wAs oUt thE whOLe daY aNd wHeN hE fiNaLLy caMe bAcK... aT aRouNd 9 sOmEtHinG... hE wAs pLaYinG cArdS wiTh tHis GiRL wHo i tHiNk was mY biTcHy cHiNa hOusEmAtE SaNNi's fRiEnD aNd wiTh sAnNi... aNd bY tHe tiMe hE sEnd tHe GiRL hOmE aNd cAmE bAcK iT wAs aLrEaDy 12 am sOmEtHinG...
aNd yet hE stiLL weNt oUt... aNd fOr wHaT??? tO wAtCh mOviEs aT hiS fRiEnd's pLaCe!!! aNd tHeRE i WaS wAitiNg tHe wHoLe daY fOr hiM tO wAtcH mOviEs wiTh hiM... bECaUsE tHaT tO mE wAs LiKe a PrOmiSe... aN aGreeMeNt tHat hE wOuLd wAtCh tHe dVds tOgEthEr... i mEaN "eLLooooo... i wOuLdn'T bE aSkiNg... aRe yOu fRee tOmoRRow aNd dO yOu wAnnA wAtcH DvDs tOgetHeR fOr nO rEaSoN.... aNd yOu sAy yeA oKaY... bUt hE cOuLd stiLL tELL iT tO mY fACe tHaT... tHaT wAsN'T a pRoMisE... i nevEr pRomiSed yOu tHaT i wiLL wAtcH DvDs wiTh yOu yeStErdAy... aNd yEt, hE hAs tHe aUdaciTy tO stiLL sAy " i jUsT sAy yEa, i aM fRee tO wATcH dVds wiTh yOu. tHaT wAsn'T a pRomiSe."
tHeN oN wEdnesdAy niGht, bEcAUSe KJ aNd i hAd a LiL tiFF wiTh eaCh oThEr aGaiN... i hAd tO wALk aWaY fRoM tHe mOviE aGaiN tO dEaL tHinGs wiTh hiM aNd maKe peAcE wiTh eAcH oThEr... wHiLe wEbcAmmiNg haLFwAy, JimmY sUddEnLy tExTed me tHaT hE tHinKs hE wAnna gO sLeep cOs hE aLmosT faLLinG aSLeeP... sO i tExTed bAcK tO hiM, "oH oKaY, TheN yOu gO sLeep FiRsT..." aNd bEcaUsE i hAd a rEaLLy bAd hEaDaChE tHaT niGhT, i aLsO dEciDed tO tUrN iN aS wELL... nOt kNowiNg tiLL LaTeR tHaT hE wEnT oUt tO yUm cHaR wiTh hiS FriEnds... aNd wOw... i wAs piSSeD tHat hE toLd mE thAt hE wAnTeD tO sLeep bUt yEt hE cOuLd gO oUt fOr yUm cHaR...
aNd tHe nexT niGht, sTiLL bEinG piSseD wiTh hiM... i jUsT tOLd hiM tO rEtUrN tHe DvDs beCaUsE iT wAs dUe tHe nExT daY... aNd hE wAs, "wHaT?? yOu dOn'T wAnt tO wAtcH???" aNd i wAs LiKe "yEa, LiKe i wAtcH tHe MoviEs aLOne??"... i meAn HeLLo, i bOrrOwEd tHe DvDs aNd pAiD fOr tHeM bEcAuSe yOU sAiD yOu wAntEd tO wAtcH dVds wiTh mE... tHen hE sAid, "oH dOn'T bLaMe me, dOn'T sAy i diDn't wAnt tO wAtCh wiTh yOu... wAiTed fOr yOu tO wEbcAm uNtiL i WaNtEd tO faLL aSLeeP", iN a vErY cOndEsCeNdiNg mAnnEr... aNd tHaT rEaLLy gOt mE aNd hiT tHe cOrE... aNd i jUsT rEtOrTeD bAck, "yEa, sOmeOnE sAy wAnt tO sLeeP sO i LeT yOu sLeep... bUt yEt, stiLL caN gO fOr yUm ChaR!!" tHen i jUsT tUrnEd on mY hEELs aNd wAlKeD aWaY iNtO mY rOOm...
eVeRsiNcE tHeN, wE hAveN'T sPokeN tO eaCh othEr...
aNd tHen tWo niGhTs aGo, mY hEaRt wAs oNcE aGaiN bEEn sLaSheD bY a LonG, bLunT aNd rUsTy kNifE... aS i hEaRd hiM bRinGiNg a GiRL hOme... bRinGinG hEr iNtO hiS rOOm... aNd HaViNg hEr sTaY oVeR... aNd i cOuLdn't gEt tO sLeeP ThAt niGhT aS i cOuLd hEaR tHe bOtH oF tHeM tALkiNg aNd LAuGhiNg... mY hEaRt hUrT sO bAdLy... i kEpT fEeLinG iNtEnSe piErCinG sPaSms oF pAiN... sOmE oF whicH wErE LaTeR iDentiFiEd bY mY bRaiN aS sHaRp pAnG oF jEaLoUsY...
aS iF tHinGs cOuLdn'T gEt aNy wOrSe tHan iT aLreAdy WaS fOr mE... i TeXtEd tHe meSSaGe tHat wErE mEaNt fOr mY fRieNds' eYes oNLy "hOnEy, mY heArt hUrtS... jiMMy bROughT a GiRL hOmE aNd i cAn hEaR tHeM LauGhinG aNd tALkiNg iN tHe nExT rOOm. i kNow i sHouLdn'T bE bOthErEd bUt i aM"... tO HIM!!!! ACCIDENTALLY!!! hOw huMiLiaTiNg iT wAs... oNLy tHinGs LiKe tHiS hAPpEns tO mE!!
tHe hUrT aNd pAiN tHaT i fELt sOOn bEcaMe aNgEr aNd DisAppOiNtMeNt... i JusT feLt tHaT eVeRyThiNG hE sAiD tO mE... hOw hE cAn nEvEr mOvE oN sO qUiCkLy... hOw hE tOLd me hE LoVed mE sO mUcH... hOw hE cOuLdn'T aFForD tO LoSe mE... tHaT hE wOuLdn'T LooK fOr sOmEoNe eLsE... hOw hE woUld aLwAys wAiT fOr mE uNtiL tHe oNe mOntH pErioD wiTh KJ wAs oVeR... aLL oF wHicH wErE LIES!!! LIES, LIES aNd MorE LIES!!!
aNd i fELL fOr EvErY siNGLe oNe oF hiS LiEs. i tHouGhT hE wAs diFFeRenT. i tHouGht hE wAs the rEaL dEaL. thaT hE waS tHe gENuiNe tHinG... bUt bOy, wAs i sO wRoNg...
tHe fAcT tHaT hE cOuLd cRiTiCiSe KJ fOr hiS pAsT aCtiOns aNd tELLinG mE hE's DiFfEreNt aNd nOtHiNg LiKe Kj... bUt yEt, iN tHe eNd... hE's ThE sAMe LiKe eVeRy oTher gUy iN tHe WoRLd!!! aT LeaSt, pLeaSe hAvE tHe gUts To aDmiT iT LiKe KJ, iNsTeaD oF jUdGiNg pEoPLe...
i mEaN i kNow oNe oF tHeSe daYs hE wOuLd eVenTuaLLy fiNd sOmeOne eLse... i aM cOOL wiTh tHaT... bUt so fAsT?? iT oNLy meaNt oNe tHinG... wHiCh wAs hE wAs aLreAdY eYeiNg oN sOmeoNe eLse wHiLe he sAid aLL thOsE tHinGs tO mE... hE wAs pRobAbLY aLreAdY pAmPeriNg aNd sPoiLinG hEr tHe wAy hE diD wiTh me... kNowiNg hOw he LiKe dEcEnT, gOOdiE-TwO-ShOeS giRLs... hE hAd tO hAvE dOne aLL tHaT... sO hE cOuLd gEt her iNtO hiS bEd...
sOmeHoW hE rEmiNdeD mE oF tHaT LyriCs oF tHe SonG bY VeRticaL hoRiZoN's eVeRyThiNg yOu wAnt:
He's everything you want He's everything you need He's everything inside of you That you wish you could be He says all the right things At exactly the right time But he means nothing to you And you don't know why
wHo wOuLd hAve tHoUght tHe sWeeT aNd cAriNg gUy tHat aLmoSt maDe mE giVe uP KJ wAs aCtuALLy a LyiNg, JudGeMenTaL aNd HyPoCriTicaL jerK wHo hAd his wAy wiTh maNipULaTinG mY hEaRt??? i jUsT FeeL LiKe a fOOL... LiKe aN iDiOt...
hOwEvEr, i mUsT sAy... Kj wAs vErY UnDeRsTaNdiNg aNd sUppOrTiVe tO mE tHrOuGh aLL tHiS... hE wAs tHeRe wHeRe i neeDed hiM... eVeN wHeN hE kNeW i wAs bOthErEd bY jiMMy aNd hiS gAL paL... hE wOkE uP eArLy iN tHe mOrniNg wHeN i caLLeD hiM... aNd oFFerEd tO wEbcAm wiTh mE aNd AsKed mE hOw i wAs feELinG... aNd oF cOuRsE, hE diDn'T faiL tO dELiVEr hiS LiL "i tOLd yOu sO" nUmbEr... bUt hE tRiEd hiS bEst tO cHeeR mE uP... wHiCh hE DiD...
hE tOLd mE tO tHinK oF iT tHis wAy... tHaT aT LeaSt i aM nOw wiTh tHe bEttEr gUy oF tHe tWo... tHe mUcH bEttEr-LooKinG oNe... tHe mOrE sUaVe anD CHaRmiNg oNE... HaHaHa... i kNoW, i kNow... KJ cAn bE sO fULL oF hiMsELf aNd cOcKy aBouT hiS qUaLities... bUt hEy, iT wOrkeD!! hE mAdE mE fEEL bEttEr aNd bRoUgHt a SmiLe tO mY FaCe aNd mY hEaRt...
i kNow hOw i Am fEELinG fOr tHe cUrrEnT siTuAtiOn wiTh jiMMy iSn'T FaiR fOr KJ... bUt i cAn'T hELp iT... bUt i wiLL tRy mY bEsT tO mOvE oN tO buiLd a StRonGeR aNd hAPPiEr rELaTioNshiP wiTh hiM...
tHaNks tO tHe cOmPany oF rEGine aNd aLeX... mY dAy bEcaMe bRiGhTeR and i wAs hAppiEr aS weLL aS ThEy LisTeNeD tO mE vEnTinG oUt mY fRuStRaTioNs... aNd GaVe mE tHeiR aDViCeS aNd tHeiR PoiNt oF viEwS... wHicH ReaLLY hELpeD.
aNd tOdAy, i wAnTeD tO mOvE oUt fRoM mY cUrrEnT pLaCe. i jUsT fELt i nEEdEd a neW sTaRt aNd nEw bEGiNNinG wiTh KJ... tO cREaTe a neW cHaPtEr iN oUR LiVeS tOgEthEr... aNd tO gEt aWaY fROm jiMMy aNd aLL tHe memOriEs... tO cLoSe aNd eNd tHaT cHaPtEr wiTh hiM... bUt i rEaLiSeD iN tHe eNd oF tHe daY, i Don'T hAvE tO rUn AwAy fRoM aNyThiNg aS i aM HaPPy wiTh wHeRe i aM... aNd bY cOnFrOntiNg tHe uGLinEss oF tHe rEaLiTy oF mY oNCe-sO-caLLeD hAppY mEmoRiEs wiTh jiMMy, iT wiLL oNLy maKe mE a stRoNgEr aNd a HaPPiEr pErSoN...
